Ignorance is Bliss
by Tosa
Summary: Hiruma and Unsui go from ignoring each other, to hating each other, to... well, let's just say they're really starting to drive Agon crazy. Crack!fic, Agon/Hiruma, ?/?


I wrote this for pleasure a looong time ago (April), and I recently revised it, thinking it would be a fun, silly addition to my repertoire (especially since everything I've written so far for Eyeshield 21 has been painfully _emo_).

For extra lulz, there are references to Jesus Christ Superstar, Norse mythology, and Twilight-mania in here. And maybe some other stuff. I don't entirely know what I'm doing half the time. XD

* * *

It wasn't that his brother and Hiruma were in conflict, really, so much as they didn't even register each other's existence.

It was quite a thing to witness; they'd be in the same room, walking past one another, or even mere inches away, yet, nothing; no twitch of recognition, no glance, no change in demeanor. It was as if they couldn't see each other at _all, _and Agon was half tempted to shove one of them into the other just to prove he wasn't a crazy person and they were both really there.

The weirdest was when they ate breakfast together.

Both Hiruma and Unsui would make small talk with him, but both tended to wait until the other party was finished expressing their final thoughts for at least a half a minute before striking up a new subject, and neither ever commented on what the other had to say.

In fact, even if Agon led them on ("Yeah, Unko-chan loves that shitty movie - right?" "Hey, y'know, _you_ were bitching about the same thing the other day, weren't you, trash?") they wouldn't respond, simply staring warily at their plate and refusing to respond until something unrelated came up.

And it wasn't as if they didn't show their usual personalities when speaking; just that, when it came to the opposite boy, they stopped speaking or acknowledging altogether.

Agon felt like he was going fucking crazy, even with the small consolation that this was probably just Hiruma's idea of hilarious. He still couldn't figure out why Unsui would want to participate, though...

-

One day - which Agon would come to regret missing - they saw one another.

Unsui had been preparing an early breakfast, his brother still sound asleep, when Hiruma wandered into the room, clad in Agon's away jersey, stretching.

The blonde glanced around. "Your brother not up yet?"

"No," Unsui replied easily, as though the two of them had not been ignoring one another for the past several weeks. He looked up at the other boy, nodding to the pan he was currently handling. "Would you like some?"

Hiruma settled for a simple nod, finding Unsui too plain of a person to screw around with. He just wasn't in the mood - and what was really the point in doing so? The older Kongo wasn't an idiot; they couldn't weasel game plans out of one another any easier than one could from a rock.

He sat down at the table calmly, neither of them trying to make a further attempt at conversation; the two simply _were_.

-

Having ditched the two that morning, Agon spent the entire day out, only to return at two in the morning, fuck Hiruma, and pass out without so much as speaking to either of them. The next day, Agon woke up to the smell of something sinister being burnt in another room, so he wandered straight out of bed - without brushing his teeth or even putting on a shirt - to find one figure humming around the kitchen, another passed out at the counter.

He crinkled his nose at the vile stench before realizing that, instead of the other way around, it was Hiruma making breakfast (which explained the obvious failure) and his brother who was sleeping on the table, face hidden in the nest of his arms.

Hiruma glanced at the new arrival before smirking and bringing a finger to his lips in a _shh_ manner. Agon ignored him.

"Fuck's wrong with him?" he asked loudly, jabbing his finger in Unsui's direction. His brother didn't budge.

Hiruma snickered. "Oh, _you_ know," he said.

"No, I _don't_," Agon sneered. "Or I wouldn't be fucking _asking._"

Hiruma sniffed. "And here I thought you were a _god_ - at least, that's what you've _said_..."

The younger Kongo rolled his eyes, grabbing a chair and settling into it as loudly as he could in the hopes of waking his brother up. Unsui didn't, although he did twitch a little and turn his head, facing opposite from Agon and towards Hiruma's disgusting concoction. Which he must've fallen asleep during the conception of, or the stench would definitely be rousing him from his slumber.

"...What are you making anyway?" Agon finally asked, bored with his brother's uncharacteristic exhaustion.

Hiruma grinned at his creation. "You know what? ...because I don't."

With a misplaced air of triumph, the blonde slipped the contents of the smoking pan into the garbage before tossing the pan itself into the sink. Rubbing his hands together, he declared, "Better wake that one soon - unless, of course, you'd like take-out?"

Agon eyed his brother, trying to decide when he realized something. "Hey - you noticed him."

Hiruma blinked. "What?"

Agon pointed at the sleeping form. "You showed you... he... oh, fuck it. Wake him up."

One rather violent kick later found Unsui roaring at Agon, who roared back, blaming the blonde who, when they looked, had conveniently disappeared.

-

Now that Unsui and Hiruma seemed aware of each other, Agon desperately wished they'd go back to the way it'd been before.

Save the tender moment of "peace", when Unsui had snored away while Hiruma nearly burnt down half the kitchen, the two couldn't _not_ connect on anything; negatively, that is. They were constantly disagreeing - sometimes just for the sake of bitching at each other - and it was beginning to drive Agon mad.

All it took was _a single word_ from one of them ("So, did anyone see if the latest _Amefuto Monthly_ was out?") and immediately the other would jump on their case like a snarling lion on a freshly disemboweled lamb ("Of course not, numb nuts, _it's not the end of the fucking month yet!_"). The only thing that hadn't changed was Agon's urge to violently shove one into the other - just, now, for different reasons.

"Would the two of you _grow the fuck up?_" he snarled, which had only prompted them both to leap on his case about how _he_ should not have the nerve to tell _them_ to grow up. He let them live only because he figured that they were agreeing on _something_, at least, and that was likely the closest to a compromise he'd get for a while to come.

More and more, he found himself ranting to his many girlfriends about his current situation (not elaborating, of course, _why_ Hiruma was always hanging around, and leaving it for them to assume some sort of friendship). And at first, it was beneficial; they'd squeal something like, "_See?_ See how good it is to share your _feelings_ every once-in-a-while?" and they'd fuck more than usual, because for some reason, feelings really turned chicks on.

But by the time Week Three of the Unsui-hates-Hiruma-and-likewise marathon rolled along, his girlfriends got more into the habit of rolling their eyes and telling him more and more often that they would be busy tomorrow night, so don't bother calling. Which would lead to Agon quarreling with _them,_ and then hunting down punks to beat the shit out of, thereby burning sexual tension left to stew from not getting laid. (Apparently, there was a fine line between sharing and whining that, when crossed, could not get a male supermodel or even a vampire laid.)

Because God knew Hiruma could be a sex-withholding _bitch_ when he was pissed about something. And lately (obviously), he was mad _all the time_.

When he bothered showing up at school, Ikkyu would tell Agon how, at practice (which Agon _hadn't_ been showing up at), Unko-chan had been getting edgier as of late.

"He's oni out of _control_," the receiver had whimpered. "He stormed off the field the other day. And this morning? He actually made Yamabushi _cry!_"

-

And, just like that, it erupted; split open, lava flowing, wolves devouring the sun. It just didn't happen like Agon (or anyone, really) expected. Later, Agon would claim that he'd seen the signs. However, this was not the case; in all actuality, he may've been the most surprised, as people with a stubborn world view usually are.

Unsui and Hiruma were having a particularly nasty yet thankfully verbal fight (though something told Agon it wouldn't stay so tame for long). The two were slinging the usual insults, fists clenched at their sides, eyes narrowed and glares unwavering.

"You're such a fucking _puss_ - I can't believe _you_ actually have the nerve to fucking tell _me_ that _I'm_ the one who needs to fucking 'branch out'! You sound like a fucking pre-school teach-"

"You obviously don't have much of a life if you're always screwing around here!"

"_You're always fucking here, too!_ Don't twins usually start playing with other kids in like, _primary_ school?"

"I 'play with other kids'-" Oh, Agon internally groaned, not the dreaded air quotes... "I'm only here to fucking flush you out of _my_ fucking apartment!"

"IT'S HIS, TOO!"

Agon began edging towards the door, ever_ not_ fond of when they'd tug him in the middle of their fights. He hoped he'd either get to the door or they'd move onto elementary, two-syllable insults before he was forced to enter the fray.

"Would you just _grow the fuck up?_"

"Oh, so now the boy scout's using _bad words!_ Please, Kongo, _I'm so fucking scared!_"

Agon calmed his escape as they sank into a simple mud-slinging of insults. When he wasn't forced to intervene, these fights could be mildly amusing to watch.

"God, I fucking _hate you!_"

"Yeah? Well _right back at you_."

Agon snickered. Jeez; for such "mature" people, they could get pretty childish.

Hiruma looked ready to tackle Unsui and claw something off. The older twin looked like he would welcome the prospect with a violent maneuver of his own.

And then:

"I," Hiruma snarled, before his face fell into utter shock.

"I..." he faltered, fists unclenching. "I... I think I'm _really _attracted to you."

Unsui's eyes widened at about the same time and pace as Agon's jaw dropped.

Unsui hesitated, hand coming to scratch behind an ear. "Uh... really?"

Hiruma nodded, looking as quite horrified with himself. And you should be, Agon thought, would have _said_, if not for his brain being frozen right now.

Unsui breathed out. "Well, jeez... And here I thought I was _crazy..._ I mean, I feel the same way... About _you_, not me, of course..."

After a few awkward moments of staring at each other ticked by, the two of them (to Agon's horror) launched themselves at each other.

They fell to a tangled, writhing heap on the kitchen floor, mouths barely separating for breath.

And for all his supposedly God-like ability, Agon found himself, for that instant, struck dumb and mute, unsure how to respond.

He eventually chose to escape; quickly, in case the cold air from outside or sound of him moving through the building to the opposite side brought their attention on him.

Although something told him it wouldn't; they probably wouldn't remember he'd been there at _all._Thinking back many nights before to his brother's exhaustion at the kitchen table, Agon wondered if this wasn't really Hiruma and Unsui's first time together, and if maybe something had happened after, or just _the_ real first that had caused this feud...

* * *

This is just good, honest crack, people. Written purely for your (and my) enjoyment. :D


End file.
